the Shy Tird

Another night spent farting

I don’t think Imma be able to take a shit today. It’s a sad sad sad day. I don’t know who am I anymore, even my arse can’t work with no captain.

Yeah, now my arse is stretched at the right point.

Now a little difficult to cleanse it. It’s plenty of debris

Constipation to open the day.

My arse doesn’t open, instead.

I am not eating much these days…

I thought I would have taken less shit.

I was wrong

2-inch turds are now piling one on top of the other. They are very ugly. It doesn’t even look like human poo

Yesterday I discovered I am gluten intolerant. Fine. I guess I already knew.

To celebrate I ate some bread. I slept quite badly, gas everywhere in my belly.

Now a few pitiful turds are all that’s left

Ouch.

I felt something to expel, so I pushed.

Ouch.

I thought it was all right, but it was harder than expected.

Ouch.

My arse stretched abnormally.

Ouch.

Now everything is back to normal. A few grams lighter.

Great, a new week begins. Birds are singing, every bulb of my body is sweating, and shit is down the hole!

Even if it’s the size of two beans…

I was relaxed, starting to write a draft for the second episode of my podcast, when I thought ‘mh, talking about shit… what if there’s something to do here!’

Yes there was!

A very quick reprisal.

It seems that black magic was through, but some dark stuff was still in! Spicy

I was looking forward for this morning’s discharging, ever since I bit the very first pizza slice for dinner. It was heavy, I felt it. Difficult for my bowels to process. I knew it.

I slept uncommonly good, but as soon as I was awake, a powerful great sceptre was pulsing inside me. With its magic powers it controlled my movements, I was headed to the kitchen, to have breakfast, but it immediately made me turn a door before. In a blink of an eye I was sitting on the toilet.

The sceptre gets out, twisting and turning like crazy, as its magical whim fades out. The more it go forth, the more its magical mana expires.

Here it is now, a lost relic, a once potent rod used to rule ‘em all, laying at the bottom of the toilet. Hidden for ever, its story ends here. Farewell

In the end I made it. Slept for three hours. Lol.

Now I am taking a shit, and my bowels is making fun of me farting all around.

So frustrating!! Couldn’t you make it last night? So stupid!

I am awake, my eyes keep crossing because of the tiredness.

As soon as I close them though, I feel a strong pain on my belly. There’s some gas blocked, I tried ‘em all to get it out, candle position, pushing through with my hands, walking, laying face up, face down.

Nothing helps.

Since yesterday I had no dinner, I am just expelling a little yuck. Very very little. Very very soft. Very very unworthy of any kind of story. Definitely missing the great crap from the last days…

Can’t believe this! Another shit!!

That german restaurant should be proud of itself!

This one looks just like cats’ poop after a meat buffet.

There’s more.

The odds were 100% happening for sure.

Blip blop, turds falling like raindrop on a lake, blistering water like a professional trampoline diver, producing no splash at all. Almost a pleasure to see that.

But I can’t, I am too concentrated on calming my mind, setting myself apart from the affliction of losing so many children, letting them go, free into the wild.

Just joking. The pain is real and it is my intestines.

OKAAAY OKAAAAY, I am awake! CALM YOURSELF DOWN!!!

These are my first words this morning.

I was just trying to get back to sleep, so I tossed in bed, flipping from the right side to the left, when a hasty pressure inside my bowels just presented itself abruptly, exploding inside so rapidly it was sudden and painful.

I am still drowsy though, sweating and swearing for the heat suffocating me. I jump off my bed and rush to the bathroom.

I almost made it on the floor. Its stink totally recalls every nuance of flavour from the german restaurant I went for dinner, sauerkraut, currywurst, wheat beer. Everything I loved eating yesterday, is now a blobby dung memory from the past.

The best way to start the day, uh?

Aaaand here comes another reprisal.

Yeah, actually I already knew, it is impossible for me to have a normal poop routine the day after some beers, or eating bread, or both. It simply means I have bowels problems, and I’ve never wanted to warn about it.

As I am writing, stool keep getting out of my arse, seamlessly, I am an optimal sample for creating a clockwork shit-machine

Ok I guess my thought was legit. I’ve just clutched some little pieces of marmalade out. They were more beer-sandwich related. Now makes sense, I just needed some patience.

I always lack of patience in life. Patience always bring happiness, and SHIIIIIIT! More SHIIIIT.

I really don’t understand my body. There are those days when I eat sandwiches, pizza and stuff like this and I have diarrhoea, followed by days of bloating, very stinky shit and a diffuse sickness in my belly. And the days when I do the same, even drink some beers, and the day later I feel cool. Kinda like this morning.

It is a normal normal shit, kind of dull, super easy to push, super easy to wipe, super calm.

Idk, seems weird

Sliding through the door as I crouch down the toilet.

How can it be so easy? My shit is so calm, whilst me am so in turmoil

One long thing

After the first shit I had breakfast and headed to the supermarket. It was fast, but never enough. While queuing for the check-out I spread the air surrounding me with pestilent stink, the man behind the desk was very fast and professional, and didn’t protest for the strong smell. Rushed home. I am now calm and relaxed, squeezing my bowels off to clean my soul.

I need to sleep more. What kept me from doing it this morning was the shit inside me.

It’s very soft and very gassy,

It’s very smooth and very messy,

Color may vary,

I am just shady

As I already knew, YES! There was more!

More and more!

I can proudly say, what I shat this morning was not just half of it but more like a fifth of the total.

Noooow, THAAT’s what I am talking about!!! Yeah baby! That’s shitting!!

All right. I woke myself up pretty early, in this beginning of the weekend, but I am going hiking with a friend. It might be cool.

Now, the first thing a hiker needs is to be as light as possibile, unburdened from anything unnecessary.

I haven’t done it properly, been sitting here for half an hour and I only deployed a single mid-turd. It is mid coz I know how big they can be, it seems just half of it.

Well, let’s see if I’ll be shitting again today

This morning I am sprouting little balls, little tiny balls of shit. They have no personality, they simply are, they exist. But they have no meaning.

GM, some stuff is already in the hole, gotta wait for the twin to reach the brother though.

I’m in no mood for waiting, just get out and free me plz

Some kind of hard dry stool. At the beginning

Some very soft, high in gas turds. At the end

A little sum up: I haven’t taken a shit in more than 30 hours. I drank a bottle of wine before dinner. I turned of on the sofa for some 4 hours. I opened my eyes at 3 o’clock, insomniac, I went running at first daylight. Now I am back. First things first, let’s try to push some turds out.

It works. I should be feeling happy, but my mental status keeps me from it. I am a little content though, I can say that.

Now, okay, but where’s the rest? It should have been much more than this