the Shy Tird

When my body has not recovered enough, and it is not yet wide awake, it cannot make the whole shit in the morning in only one session.

It often happens I finish my session wiping my arsehole with some toilet paper, I clean my butt, and I go have a day start.

So what happens is, I put my shoes on, tie my shoelaces, and my arse gives me the first call, then I am turning the key in the front door locket, and my arse gives me the second call. I don’t even wait for a third one, because I know the third one means a Turd one!

This is precisely what happened this morning, and now I am taking my reprisal shit.

It feels like I shouldn’t have woken up this morning, my arse won’t even start. I mean, there’s stuff inside, but there’s not enough energy to pull it off. And it is also way too clean…

Brisk reprisal

My eyes just want to stay shut, but my anus wants to stay broad. It has to put all the pirates outboard.

Since yesterday I had sushi, now raw fish can go back swimming in the ocean.

After a sushi dinner anything is gas related. I am stuffed with air

It is the first morning in a while I can’t really take a crap as soon as I wake up. That’s a little odd, but I guess it’s just a matter of patience and it will come…

Two minutes later

Yeh, here it is. It’s always so liberating, me still drowsy, dream-like-thinking, and some shit getting out. Also poetic!

It’s not easy to describe what’s up with my anus this morning. Tu put it simply: spiciness.

I had a spicy dinner, and now my hole is fully fired. Idk, I probably like this kind of feeling. I can’t be sure she will enjoy being the room as soon as my girlfriend wakes up…

This stuff lean in the air! It’s fucking pollution!

Reprisal

My night was harsh. Couldn’t get why, mostly anxiety I guess.

NOPE, it was because of those fried pastry-filled-mozzarella-thinghyies I had for lunch. As soon as I woke up I created a little pile of shit. It’s more like a miniature Mountain.

Trust me, it’s like when you use a shovel and you move fresh soil into s new pile. Exactly the same.N

ow, about my health…. still questioning

It’s three thirty in the morning, I can’t sleep, but I can soundly fart. I go have some proper ones in the bathroom.

All righty, it actually happened what I felt was going to. It’s happening pretty often, to be fair. And I am glad it happened.

Simply, I was about to get out for my morning jog, when the shit I felt was still inside me knock-knocked. Who’s there?

‘WHROOOOM’! That was immediate!

Today I am having troubles pooping. I mean, it’s not constipation, but I feel like there’s something left inside after each push.

Well, guess it’s something normal…

Maybe it’s caused by the fact I had some nightmares not long ago, or maybe is because I am very sad this morning. Or maybe, maybe it’s just random. Let me wipe this thing off and get the day started…

A Softy

Live from the white throne. I’ve just had breakfast and I was headed to the shower, the toilet was in between, so I decided to take some advantage of it.

I achieved almost nothing. I’ve just stained the slope with the littlest turd ever. POINTLESS.

The beginning of the day means deflating, i.e. MANY FAAARTS. And a huge piece of crap after me, i.e. A BIG TURD.

That doesn’t make me awake, though

I have a freaking serious gas problem. I’m constantly bloating. I am serious. My bowels are highly problematic. And flammable I believe…

So now, I’d pretty much like to sleep, BUT, this internal air I’ve got stored within me is very discomfortable. It stresses me out!

Ok ok… GOTTA RELAAAAX.

A little silent fart while working right next to my colleague. He hasn’t noticed anything! :3

I am taking polka dot shit. Yes this is what I’ve just made, a polka dot poop.

It is brown and has loads of black freckles in it, they seem like small gems mounted on it in a pretty precise way.

Now I am trying to gather my thoughts and remember what did I eat that could have caused it… but I simply can’t recall. Well let’s just imagine My arse became a painter!

So in the morning, what was anticipated by some gas, now becomes toxic waste.

The pool’s water is split in two, at the bottom there’s solid dregs, on the surface there’s the oily floating liquid. Which one’s more worth?

To be on the safe side, I’ll just flush everything away. I am just worried for the planet though…

It’s almost four o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. That hamburger I had for dinner really needed some more cooking. Stomach issues.

On the other side (literally) my intestines kept producing farts. Farts I had to expel as soon as dully developed. My bowels give me insomnia 😡

I am deeply sad for the loss.

And pretty impressed.

The huge shit flushed off almost instantly, with a little help from the brush, I’ve seen my son die in half past a second :((

Ever since I finished crafting my first shit, this morning I felt like there was more.

I stopped thinking about it for a while, gotta focus on work to do! Nice. Ok.

Then my boss went out early, I had lunch, and the toilet was all for me. It actually is.

Yeah. I am sitting on this little toilet (my office’s toilet is a bit low) and I’ve just made the longest turd ever. I mean, GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS, can you hear me??

Now, how do I flush down this huge mess? Firstly, I am so proud of it I’d prefer exposing it in some museum, secondly, I shall dispose of it. But the flush doesn’t properly work….

It’s Monday, and the turds are seamlessly sliding out, this is a very soft beginning.

So that’s the end of the week…

I do the last turd. I do. It is.

Nice

End of late morning breakfast, me, walking towards the bathroom, ‘I’ll go bake a cake now!’

Sitting on the toilet, I turn on the oven, and I wait for the sweet cake to be ready.

BLOF, it’s done! It more looks like some undefined cookies, I’m not sure I’d have a taste though…

All right, jog done, dishes done, folding dry clothes done.

No I can jump inside the bathroom, lift the toilet seat, sit down and relax. Crap will surely appreciate this calm kindess, I’ll be rewarded!

Uh! There’s some stuff already! So cute!

First things first, I woke up to do a shit. That’s what Saturdays are made for.

I’ve got the whole day ahead so I can just enjoy this naughty pleasure I love.

Taking a crap is on my top five moments of life

A day off. I spent the day planning my podcast. It’ll be called The Shyt Show, will get out weekly, and I’ll be reading my week’s shit out loud.

I was on the sofa, making record tryouts, when suddenly, my session was interrupted by this snake of crap, it has born death though.

All right, I don’t have time for a shit right now, let’s move on, we have a show to broadcast here!

Two tirds, both big and expelled in a fraction of time. Shit made easy.

Can’t connect my brain, the only thing I see is war, there’s a deadly missile laying on the water, it is brown and has wrinkles, has it got out of me? Do ai have war inside me?

This and many other questions belong to to nighttime.

Whatever, Yesterday I had an ice cream for dinner, nothing else, it’s clearly not the healthiest choice I could make, and my body felt it.

I just find it cool that the sweet snack was more or less square-shaped, while this brownie tird is spiky and has an aerodynamic techy shape. The fact their color is just the same, I guess it was just luck!

At the bottom of the post, gotta do it, I must promote my brand new TELEGRAM CHANNEL, where anybody could stay up to date on the latest Shiiiiiit I make. Give it a look!