Just got back after a proper long one — cracking day at my mate’s plot. He’s basically set up life on this bit of land he owns, and today he threw his first proper spring knees-up in four years of living there. Absolute vibe.
Lovely spread, good drinks, good craic. Only thing was I hadn’t managed a dump all morning — been bunged up the whole day, guts tight as a drum.
We played about, had a good old chinwag… then I headed home, hour on the road. Wasn’t bladdered, just proper knackered. The road was a right state, and some muppet coming the other way drifted into my lane — had to swerve round him and clipped the verge on the right side. Straight after, the car felt all wrong, pulling hard to the right. Clocked it immediately.
Puncture. Pulled over in the first spot I could find, got out, had a look — and it wasn’t just one tyre. Both right-side tyres were done. Absolute bellend situation.
Limped it to a petrol station, rang the missus to come fetch me. We headed home, she was finishing off the dinner I’d had in mind. I’m feeling well rough about the whole thing — I’ll need to ring breakdown in the morning and sort it, but it’s Sunday night and I’ve got no juice left in me. Besides — I’ve been touching cloth since this morning.
So. Car drama shelved for now. Went to the bog and finally… had the most enormous shit of my life.
I’m absolutely cream crackered.

Grrr, I’ve had the best slumber in years! But WHY am I constipated now?

Why can’t everything be perfect in this wonderful Sunday morning??

It’s Saturday morning, and I’m expelling everything form my bowels.

It’s actually something I do every day- almost- at least when I’m not constipated…

And I’ve been doing this from quite some time… more or less ever since I was born…

I hope I could continue doing it for a while… at least, until I keep being alive..

See you tomorrow!

A few little turd. Loose turds.

Right before lunch

My arsehole’s immediate reaction at sitting on the toilet.

A rush of shit. Some of the best ones ever.

My body is working super-efficiently these days! And this gives me a sprint in life.

Life’s so good when shit is best

Beautiful shit.

‘How can you say such a thing. Beautiful?’

It is just beautiful this time.

Immediate, copious, satisfiying.

Beautifully SHIT

Standing in (virtual) line for buying The Strokes Live tickets. Must keep my eyes peeled to the screen.

BUT. I NEED A SHIT.

No prob, I’m going to the loo with my laptop.

Let’s hope for the best.

In the meanwhile… my shit is desperately BIG

Only constipation

Shit on the go.

In the last few weeks I’ve been seriously busy. Luckily I always find the time to take a real poop. Otherwise I’d be dead. Exploded- probably.

Unfortunately, my mind is anywhere else, and I’m not producing any interesting thought while pooping, but…

…I’ve got something in the pipeline.

OUT very sooooon

Just a fast shit and I’ll get my morning started

Even if yesterday, during my Gin&Tonic night I felt like I was about to poop in some random spot, I didn’t. I only needed some farts. This morning I expected much more shit, in a much worse shape, but instead, I’m even a little constipated…

So shameful

Farting all around

Am out with a friend. At the second Gin&Tonic.

I hope it doesn’t turn into REAL MATTER

A lazy shit on a lazy saturday morning

At first very difficult, hitchy, and a little painful. Constipation.

But then I assume what’s left of that hamburger I hate yesterday, got out

HUGE outburst.

Can’t move. Can’t think. It’s just NIRVANA