the Shy Tird

The morning recipe.

be patient. You have a soft cream. DO NOT EAT IT!

I am late, but my arse isn’t finished yet.

And I simply can’t leave home without being sure having it all left behind. Otherwise I’m going to explode, like Atomic Bomb

Now that even my arsehole is aware of the awakening of my body, it’s getting a move on, and exploiting itself.

My arsehole burns

I basically spent three days drinking and not resting, I had guests, and I had to show them around, every bar was a tequila shot. I spent these days having troubles at my best activity ever. I couldn’t properly shit. So my body just woken me up at 6 AM because I couldn’t properly sleep with all of this rubbles inside me. It is a dull post and I know it, the fact is I feel drowsy and confused, and dazed by this fucking smell at the same time.

I’m not sure whether I am awake already or still sleeping, I only know I now have a tail.

I am back to the toilet. My girlfriend refers to me as a Shit machine.

Can’t blame her

Btw, my crap appears smooth and compact, it is made of a group of three or four turds which togeth-WAIT A MINUTE! Right while writing about the key consistency factor of my poop, my arsehole produced something of a new kind, it is a shape-shifter crap with a peculiar sense of mating. It rushes out as single very-fluidy spruts, and they pile on top of one another finding their way outside.

In the end there’s a very funny lump of crap amassed at the bottom of my toilet. Gotta say I am extremely proud of my products today!

There’s something mystical in my habits. I went to sleep at 3AM, after some random drinking. I am awake at 6 AM because of my shit habit. I gotta shit every day right before my morning run. Nice. A clockwork crapper.

Doesn’t matter if my mind is blurred for the rest of the day my days…

It is loose crap. I’d pretty much like to be asleep but I am instead sitting on the toilet. And my arse is stinky

Feels like my body is fucking with me…

I was putting my pants on to go out for a jog, I had just taken some friendly shit.I

was ready… when suddenly one of the most recognisable fart went through down there, it was a solid one.

I had to rush back to the toilet, where I’m at the moment of writing. Everything I’m typing on my phone right now is paired with a great background of my stained underpants.

I mean, elbows on my knees, fingers on my screen, eyes on my undies, staring at that microscopical piece of shit now stuck on the fabric. Nice souvenir for my morning run!

Now some creamy crap. Even the sound of this word is cool. It’s not hard, it’s not shapeless, it’s just like chocolate mousse extruded from some pastry bag.

Btw, the fact I take some shit before my morning run, and some other right after it’s something I’m beginning to fancy…

Early turd.

Went jogging, then came back right where I belong. Some more shit was waiting for me. The real crap!

At the same time I can’t help burping yesterday’s dinner. I shall get back to my healthy habits…

Being awakened by wild shit.

Everything’s sounds normal if you picture myself eating too much for four days in a row.

It may sound even more normal if you think I don’t usually eat much during my usual life.

Less slumber means less quality post, meaning also less energy to make proper shits

Something terrible is taking place inside me. I wish this war could ger out of my body, I wish it was inside the toilet. While writing words keep blur and overlay, I had a sever insomniac attack last night because of the active battlefield inside me. It was just in the stomach at the beginning, now it is in the intestines, it is lasting longer than anyone would want.

Long turd, short time. My eyelids are heavy as hell, I’d just need to sleep, but instead I am sitting here waiting for my body to download data. Heavy data.

Sturdy turdy

Lil’ shit, and I go for a run. Need to take back shape! And I mean, even my turds are shapeless right now! Not good!

Happy Easter. I start celebrating now, with a sour poop made of all the beer I had yesterday.

Soft and tidy, still freaking acid.

I just needed a wee… ended up doing some fresh loose shit

It is time for a new piece of shit.

To call it a ‘piece’ it’s quite inaccurate, it looks more like a mass of fresh mud stuck on your boot’s heel, pretty uniform, very blobby.

I am now engaged in my morning poop

Waking up relaxed, have breakfast while feeling already some pushy crappy, yet not hasty enough, so it gives you enough time to finish eating, and going to the bathroom at your pace. Finally shitting calmly, no constipation at all.

These are the mornings I love.

I was at the door, knob-handed, proudly getting out for a jog.

Something stopped me. That something, is now at the bottom of my toilet. R.I.P.

Finally sat down, you wonder where? Obviously here, on a toilet, my flight is in one hour, so I’m plenty of time for a crap, taking as looong as it needs.

ShitJournal #1526

I spent the night in Milan, for a show in Theater, went to bed late, woken up early. No shit taken.

Fast breakfast at Train station. Rush to get to the airport, no shit taken.

Now queuing at the Boarding, some shit piles up.

It may sound dull. It is indeed, but it is also quite fucking need to shit now cmon get a move on The King Of Shit needs a toilet guuuys!!

The line is always so sloooow! So I start farting, keep preparing me for my public restroom to use at the gates area.

So, basically the urge my body feels woke me up. It tried to make me aware of this at 5:10 AM, but it was clearly too early and I assumed it was just some shivers caused by low temperature… Even though it was a little funny, I was sweating, how come I be freezing?

Then, some sixty minutes later, I find myself loosing stools out of my arsehole, still shuddering. Actually the more I expel, the less my body shakes.

Now I’m back to normal, my bowels is calm, me wide-awake, I go out for my morning run.

Now, this, this is why The Shy Tird exists, reports like this one will make the world a better place to live in.

I think I need something to shit, so I shit.

Not much, still shit!

A reluctant tird tries to get out. It presents its authorisation and I let it out.

At last. Some matter.