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last   poops

Monday, 24 February 2020 | 10:55 PM

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Monday, 24 February 2020 | 10:55 PM

Today’s been a long day. I had no shit whatsoever.

And, do you remember chickpeas? Well I found these German-brand vegan snacks at home, must have been one of my uncles gifts – he works as a salesman for supermarket blabla. I can’t speak a word of German so I had to read the pictures. It was a caramelised hazelnut, or at least that’s what my still-sleepy-mind has thought… well, they were chickpeas, dehydrated spiced chickpeas.

And the farts went on.

And I just shat.

And it’s spongy.

And I’m relieved now.

Sunday, 23 February 2020 | 01:16 PM

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Sunday, 23 February 2020 | 01:16 PM

Why don’t we invent a giant human to compost trash?
We will feed him rubbish, he’ll give us free manure.

If we’re lucky we could even find out he’s a pleasant company too!

Saturday, 22 February 2020 | 05:07 PM

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Saturday, 22 February 2020 | 05:07 PM

I wake up after a short nap and I feel my stomach burning, my belly swollen like a balloon filled with toxic gas.

What the fuck!

It’s like having Chernobyl inside me. 😕

Friday, 21 February 2020 | 06:58 PM

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Friday, 21 February 2020 | 06:58 PM

And it’s a huuuuge number one!

I get back home, undress myself, sit in the toilet.

As I spread my cheeks, release my bowels, a huge long tird gets extruded out.

It was hard to feel if it was still clinging to my anus, so I took a flash-picture.

Beyond all my expectations the tird split in two parts, forming a perfect number one.

I have got proofs. (Disclaimer: crap content)

Friday, 21 February 2020 | 06:21 PM

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Friday, 21 February 2020 | 06:21 PM

Stifling hard.

I had this great terrible idea to go celebrating with my friends at a sushi restaurant- AYCE.

Now I’m holding on tightly, still on the bus. Repressing all my rotten-egg scented farts.

Sushi’s great, when’s not coming off your butt.

Friday, 21 February 2020 | 07:56 AM

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Friday, 21 February 2020 | 07:56 AM

This is one of those moments in which I don’t have the slightest idea of what to write, so I’m going to invent a story.

There once was a little man. He was entering the motorway with his big SUV, steering the wheels, putting the gear-uh no wait a minute! It’s equipped with electronic transmission. Well, this motherfucking little man is on the route to his bloody job. I say he never got there. He had a car crash. Not a bad one, he just injured himself a bit. He lost his little finger, do you know why?

Well, I don’t. But I suppose it’s because he used to drive while texting! Now, I could simply end it here recommending not to text and drive, but I’ll go further.

He was driving, he was texting, he was texting to a girl he’d just met on tinder, he was sexting! Still, that’s not the real reason why he accidentally drops his right hand, still gripping the wheel, causing his big car to smack into the safe-rail, jumping on it, overtaking it, finally crashing on an old Ford Mondeo (poor old Mondeo), causing the drivers, on the other side of the road, to break unsafely compelling them to watch the show.

Now, he did this because he had to fart so badly he could not hold this, he ate two burrito beans the day before – he was skipping his diet, you know – yet he got distracted because the fart was so huge he shat himself very, very much.

He’s even been lucky! He was fine! Just lost his little right finger – he could have lost his life! -, but a bit unlucky, if only he had fainted, if only paramedics found him there, in his car, passed out, people would have rescued him thinking he had had a stroke or something while driving. They would have thought it was not his fault!

Yet, that’s how it went.

I was one of the witnesses, one moment I’m following that old black ford Mondeo trying to read what that stupid logo resembling a naked young lady said, the moment later I am stuck in my car, astonished, staring at that little man into his white and blue tuxedo, with that massive brownish stain on is buttocks.