the Shy Tird

Thursday, 12 December 2019 | 08:49 AM

Sizes matter. Especially when you got a huge tirdpedo coming out from your arse, defying elasticity of my skin.

Wednesday, 11 December 2019 | 09:05 AM

Rain shit!

Tuesday, 10 December 2019 | 7:50 AM

The discomfort I feel in my life comes from many factors. One of them is my fragile belly, that is for sure!

Maybe I just shouldn’t have ate those chickpeas for dinner, maybe I shouldn’t have drank half a bottle of red wine. Maybe I should just stop lamenting.

In such a way I start my day.

Well, only after I freed the monster inside me!

Monday, 9 December 2019 | 11:24 PM

Just came back from the cinema, it is quite late, my mind starts to numb, my body too.

I brush my teeth, then I have a wee before going to bed.

There is something though, I feel it.

.

All right it was just a shy tird.

Just a single one.

Monday, 9 December 2019 | 10:41 AM

Just a two-pieces reprise.

Monday, 9 December 2019 | 09:13 AM

During my sessions I always bring stuff to do with me. Ever since I got one I never went to the loo without my phone, then I started with the computer. I can’t waist time in my life, that’s my thought!

But actually our shat time is quite precious, you know… it is a moment in which you really connect with your deeper self. You could listen to Him.

I am an atheist, I don’t believe in God, at least not the one every monotheistic religion talks about. I believe we, our-true-selves, are our own gods. Capital Him is our own core.

Just take sometimes for your thoughts, listen to yourself, will you?

I am a bit constipated today.

Sunday, 8 December 2019 | 09:23 AM

The funny smell comes back.

It arrived driving its little yucky shuttle.

Sunday, 8 December 2019 | 08:42 AM

Yesterday for dinner, I experimented.

Basmati rice and a made up sauce composed of: chickpea, garlic, milk, Turkish spices.

I must say it was a bit dry. Good taste though.

Yet, I niff a new kind of smell here!

Amazing discovery.

Saturday, 7 December 2019 | 10:03 AM

It is weird, you know… I am taking this shy tird thing quite seriously now.

Let’s say I am constantly looking forward to my next shat just because I want to write here.

I know, writing a post each and every time I am taking a poo is a stupid rule. I imposed on myself, yet it seems to be working!

What’s so weird then? Most of my morning shat happen like this: I sit, I handle my phone, I open the app and start typing the post. It really often happens I need to finish some other things before I can start, and here’s the funny fact: I hold my tird till I can actually start writing my post. I kinda feel like I must retain my feelings in order to channel them inside this very odd blog.

Friday, 6 December 2019 | 08:41 AM

I am so proud of announcing the great return of the shy tird.

I sat on the throne, then I had to wait for it! It’s been long time, you know! I am moved.

Then it started peering out very slowly… and it came out!

Thursday, 5 December 2019 | 10:28 AM

After a long wee comes a yucky reprise.

And my headache is still there.

Thursday, 5 December 2019 | 08:05 AM

Every single time I eat pizza for dinner I go through a painful aftermath. Why does it have to be like this?

Why does my colon wake myself up reminding me its suffering? How come life hurts this much? It is just a pizza!

I get breakfast. Then I am doomed to an outrush of bad feelings coming out of my arse.

Icing on the cake was the powerful headache I have since I woke up. Was it necessary though? Come on!

Wednesday, 4 December 2019 | 07:42 AM

An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

That’s true! And it gives you enough fibre so you can easily every day! No struggle!

A shat a day keeps the doctor away!

…And all the other people from the loo you just used.

Tuesday, 3 December 2019 | 07:23 AM

Life’s plenty of hurdles. Mine is being awakened by cramps, having breakfast with them, bear them during the day, get asleep.

That doesn’t happen every day. No. Just Randomly!

Though, that’s my burden – literally – and I have got to face it!

Having a shat it’s fairly painful. Pretty often.

We’re not into this world just to lament, though.

Life’s hard, life’s full of hurdles. You’ve got to face it!

Monday, 2 December 2019 | 10:26 AM

I knew it!

My bowels were not yet wide awake this morning!

I am in a bar, I had to run for the loo!

Shit.

Monday, 2 December 2019 | 07:13 AM

Finally I get myself up back to my (not) favourite time!

This time my mindset’s not ready for life, not my eyes, not even my anus! Which miserably feels raped by not-so-shy tirds I got to urge them out.

This way though, Monday could begin.

Sunday, 1 December 2019 | 12:00 PM

I was relaxed, working on my computer when suddenly intestinal cramping came. Worst and worst, I could not even run.
You know, I don’t believe in any of that karma stuff, yet sometimes I smell a rat.

From the stink I dare say that rat died two years ago, and they used to make my kebab.

Sunday, 1 December 2019 | 10:08 AM

Yesterday I had a doner kebab for dinner, despite my recent tendencies towards reducing meat, I wanted it so badly!

Once I sinned, there was no way for redemption, so I went for the jalapeño chilis and a lot of spicy sauce.

I woke up, prepared myself my usual milk and corn flakes, then I had to run for the loo.

My bowels was hurting intensely. Now my anus burns, but I am clear again!

Hence my advent calendar could now smoothly begin.

Saturday, 30 November 2019 | 10:06 PM

Right. Bit late isn’t it?

Kebab kills

Saturday, 30 November 2019 | 02:46 PM

Nothing worth talking about.

Friday, 29 November 2019 | 07:34 PM

Here comes the third tirdpedo of the day.
That’s what I call a BLACK friday!

Friday, 29 November 2019 | 09:52 AM

Here is the second torpedo.

Or what it has left of it. It melted.

Friday, 29 November 2019 | 07:49 AM

Choices are extremely important in life, just like the one I made yesterday.

Should I or should I not eat lentils for dinner?

Hell! I did eat them! So my arse has just launched the first turpedo.

Thursday, 28 November 2019 | 10:31 PM

Here is my third shat of the day.

With it I just initiate my new phone.

Great.

Thursday, 26 November 2019 | 03:22 PM

While the rest of the world can’t wait for black friday, I already had a bit of a brown thursday.

Thursday, 28 November 2019 | 07:54 AM

Every freaking time I eat pizza my belly ends up tackling over-collected air pressure.

You know car tyres has their own right pressure, they tend to deflate, then you’ve got to inflate them back.

My intestine works just the other way around: it keeps inflating.

Problem is I cannot release gas with the cap still on!

Morning afters like this one are so satisfying. Yet it is a hard job. A naughty one.

Luckily my sturdy stomach got used to that.

Wednesday, 27 November 2019 | 09:47 AM

Gee! I almost broke my record!

This tird was not shy whatsoever!

Must have been at least 8’’!

Tuesday, 26 November 2019 | 08:07 AM

There is something mystic about loos in the morning: sun shading shapes through the shallow window.

I feel like a philosopher today. Can’t tell why for sure. Must be faeces inhalations.

Monday, 25 November 2019 | 07:37 PM

‘Pop pop’ My colon says.

I returned the call delivering the parcel.

Monday, 25 November 2019 | 02:35 PM

Just got home after having paid the fine I deserved following my car crash.
My arse burns.