Friday, 24 January 2020 | 09:53 AM

Friday, 24 January 2020 | 09:53 AM

The explosive beans effect:

When you are constantly on a budget, especially at the end of the week, you’ve got to face the fact you got nothing left in the fridge. You open the cupboard, nothing apart from some opened rice boxes and a can of kidney beans. Wait a minute it can’t be! Let me open the fridge again! I knew that! There’s an onion left… well actually it is just a small piece of an onion. It’ll go! It must.

So you boil your rice, drain your beans, cut the onion and put it all together. It taste nice. It must.

Then you go to bed, you still feel your stomach going sour whilst beans inflate your belly.

You get up, feeling very relaxed, kinda floating in mid-air, then you dive for your loo, you sit on the toilet and you make a fart last 5 seconds. You’re satisfied.

You go have breakfast, you still feel drowsy, then you go have a shower.

Now that I’m in the toilet I’ll just sit for a moment on my throne…

…AND HERE IT COMES! Explosion from your insides!

BBEEAANNSS EEFFEECCTT STROKE AGAIN!

Tuesday, 21 January 2020 | 10:50 PM

Tuesday, 21 January 2020 | 10:50 PM

It’s been more than three months now since I started to dedicate more time and thoughts to my shats.

You know, I really love my introspective poops now; I’ve always had some, that’s for sure, though now these moments are even better.

Cheers to contemplative shats!

Now. Please arse, make me finish this one. I’ve got stuff to do!

Sunday, 19 January 2020 | 02:14 AM

Sunday, 19 January 2020 | 02:14 AM

According to Worldometer 7,8 millions people are currently living on our planet earth.

We, as a single species, poop every day. Healthline even conducted an interesting survey about it. According to their article we can assume an average shat weights around 1/2 pound.

Now. Let’s say every one of us poops once a day. It would mean we, as humans, produce 3.9 millions pounds of crap every single day. It’s about 1.7 thousand of tons a day!

It’s insane! It’s so much waste! If only we could sell it we’d all be rich!

Actually, who’s going to buy it, anyway?

Friday, 17 January 2020 | 07:25 AM

Friday, 17 January 2020 | 07:25 AM

Such a lovely intestine I have! I spent the night collecting farts while sleeping.

I can’t say I slept badly, I just woke up a bit earlier than I expected!

On the other hand I lived the most adventurous dream ever: at first I went in Copenaghen for the official roll-out of one of my best friends’ roller coaster. It was more like a huge wheel (350 feet high) onto we orbited so stupidly fast I lost control and smashed pretty far away from it.

I ended up in a place such far I can’t say it was in Denmark anymore. I just know I was at another friend of mine’s place. In the real world money is not a problem for him at all all right? But in this spectacular dream he bought a new Audi prototype kinda resembling a rollercoaster-spacecraft-launching-vessel – you know, the kind of stuff Elon Musk invests 4 million dollars on. I was inside it with a few other friends, at launch I was excited – I like speedy things! – though I startled as soon as we departed. It was out of control!

Needless to say I ended up in a new Sci-Fi scenario (I’m really considering a career into Cinema – my brain appears to be good at non-sense scripts): this time I was with scientists on a platform built under the sea, we were testing odd swimming suits that looked like spacesuits, and the head of the operation was my former professor at University. I can’t really recall how the dream ended, but I’m quite sure the suit stopped working right after we dived.

Even if I died tonight, and I am now concerned about my roller-coaster drift, the dream was terrific!

By the way, all this time I was telling my tales I am still pooping. Just saying

Wednesday, 15 January 2020 | 08:36 AM

Wednesday, 15 January 2020 | 08:36 AM

Yesterday I came home so late I had no time opening a parcel I received.

Opening parcels is one of the most exciting, mysterious and fun activity a man of the present – such as we all are – could experience.

I thought it was my Amazon order – stupid lithium rechargeable batteries! I am such a slave to technology! – instead it just was my stickers supposed to arrive only at the end of the month!

Now, I love stickers. Especially when there’s my tird pictured onto them.