Friday, 21 February 2020 | 06:58 PM

Friday, 21 February 2020 | 06:58 PM

And it’s a huuuuge number one!

I get back home, undress myself, sit in the toilet.

As I spread my cheeks, release my bowels, a huge long tird gets extruded out.

It was hard to feel if it was still clinging to my anus, so I took a flash-picture.

Beyond all my expectations the tird split in two parts, forming a perfect number one.

I have got proofs. (Disclaimer: crap content)

Friday, 21 February 2020 | 07:56 AM

Friday, 21 February 2020 | 07:56 AM

This is one of those moments in which I don’t have the slightest idea of what to write, so I’m going to invent a story.

There once was a little man. He was entering the motorway with his big SUV, steering the wheels, putting the gear-uh no wait a minute! It’s equipped with electronic transmission. Well, this motherfucking little man is on the route to his bloody job. I say he never got there. He had a car crash. Not a bad one, he just injured himself a bit. He lost his little finger, do you know why?

Well, I don’t. But I suppose it’s because he used to drive while texting! Now, I could simply end it here recommending not to text and drive, but I’ll go further.

He was driving, he was texting, he was texting to a girl he’d just met on tinder, he was sexting! Still, that’s not the real reason why he accidentally drops his right hand, still gripping the wheel, causing his big car to smack into the safe-rail, jumping on it, overtaking it, finally crashing on an old Ford Mondeo (poor old Mondeo), causing the drivers, on the other side of the road, to break unsafely compelling them to watch the show.

Now, he did this because he had to fart so badly he could not hold this, he ate two burrito beans the day before – he was skipping his diet, you know – yet he got distracted because the fart was so huge he shat himself very, very much.

He’s even been lucky! He was fine! Just lost his little right finger – he could have lost his life! -, but a bit unlucky, if only he had fainted, if only paramedics found him there, in his car, passed out, people would have rescued him thinking he had had a stroke or something while driving. They would have thought it was not his fault!

Yet, that’s how it went.

I was one of the witnesses, one moment I’m following that old black ford Mondeo trying to read what that stupid logo resembling a naked young lady said, the moment later I am stuck in my car, astonished, staring at that little man into his white and blue tuxedo, with that massive brownish stain on is buttocks.

Wednesday, 19 February 2020 | 08:44 PM

Wednesday, 19 February 2020 | 08:44 PM

Tirds are just like Mr. Meseeks from Rick and Morty.

Fandom describes their status ed Extant (regularly dying), but truth is they’re disposable.

Here’s the comparison:

⁃ in Rick and Morty’s universe: you press the green and blue box: a Mr. Meseeks appears; you say what your request is – a single, simple job; he completes is task; he disappears.

⁃ in the toilet: you compress your pink and bloody bowels; a tird appears; you complete your session, flush it away; he disappears.

Wednesday, 19 February 2020 | 07:31 AM

Wednesday, 19 February 2020 | 07:31 AM

My alarm just rang, but I woke myself up at 7AM naturally. I don’t believe I am wide awake yet, since I am wondering…

What had my first shit been like? I mean, it must have been even before I was a toddler. Did I do it while I was still inside my moms womb? Did I make it right after, when I was at the hospital’s nursery? What was it like? Fresh, stinky – is baby’s first poo bad smelly? Can’t it be, since he literally never ate anything, he just sip through umbilical cord for the whole pregnancy.

The real question here is: can a new-born baby have a poo before eating his first breast-milk?

Now I’m stuck. I’ll never have an answer.

Tuesday, 18 February 2020 | 02:51 PM

Tuesday, 18 February 2020 | 02:51 PM

Still pooping.

I am literally shouting “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” because of the effort I’m putting on this shit. It hurts. It feels like the most ferocious bully from the second-grade school is squeezing my bowels tightly. Ouch.

I must say I was kinda expecting this complicated bowels times today – that’s why I came back home earlier – but I wasn’t expecting this.

Anyway… I’ll finish my job on computer from my home-desk toilet, then.

Monday, 17 February 2020 | 07:39 PM

Monday, 17 February 2020 | 07:39 PM

There’s a song I listened to earlier today that goes ‘I can’t afford not to try it’

I think it’s been written meaning the artist loves too much his ex-girlfriend he can’t help trying to get back together, doing all the things in his power.

At least that’s the first thing I thought.

If I had written that, I’d have meant: I haven’t had a shit today, I don’t even feel like doing it. BUT(T), if I don’t do that, I’ll feel weighted, dirty, disturbed.

I MUST at least try!

And I did!

A little smooth tird now floats in the pond. And I feel accomplished.

Saturday, 15 February 2020 | 10:02 PM

Saturday, 15 February 2020 | 10:02 PM

It happens sometimes: you feel like you have something to expel. You feeeeeeel it! But it won’t get out – arsehole!

Still, you have to squeeze it so hard – arse hole – you feel you head’s about to explode.

That reminded me of an old GIF we used to send to each other’s some ten years ago, via infrared technology or first Bluetooth version. It was a drawing of a man sitting on his toilet, pooping, squeezing it hard. It head starts becoming redder and redder, it starts blowing until, suddenly, it explodes. The man’s headless body tumbles on the floor, kinda kneeling, and at the end of the GIF – punch line – a shy tird sprouts from his bottom and hoops into the toilet.

Five stars or of five.

Friday, 14 February 2020 | 09:16 AM

Friday, 14 February 2020 | 09:16 AM

There are moments in life when you just have no time for your life.

In these moments you can’t even find time for a shat!

Still, you should. Your body needs it. You need to expel all the dross your organism has produced.

Then, as you do this, especially during stressful periods – like this one, you know, you are stressed!! – that slag is really bad.

Reek all over the place, as if it was a dump.

Thursday, 13 February 2020 | 07:29 AM

Thursday, 13 February 2020 | 07:29 AM

Speaking of vegetarians, yesterday I hate a super-tasty hamburger.

I put mustard spread on the top half bread, ketchup on the lower one, caramelised onions, and a good Italian smoked cheese I had on top of my patty, melted.

Oh by the way, my burger was rare – cow must still be bellowing, I say – and I cooked with BBQ sauce.

Eating it was pure pleasure. Shitting it is a scourge.

Tuesday, 11 February 2020 | 07:58 AM

Tuesday, 11 February 2020 | 07:58 AM

Some days ago I watched Netflix’s Game Changers, in which they basically suggest you to go vegetarian. Apparently fat contained in meat makes your blood plasma foggy.

I already knew red meat is not that safe for your body, though I like meat’s flavour!

Anyway, there’s this scene where a medical doctor make a 2-day basic experiment with three pro football players. He feeds them two burrito each, one of them them is already vegetarian, so he eats bean burritos, the other two eat two meat-based burritos each.

After their digestion have took place, the doctor takes them a blood sample. The only sample with a clear plasma is the vegetarian’s one.

The day after, the doctor feeds them two bean-burritos each, and their samples are all so clear you can see through it.

Now. I am really happy they all went vegetarian after that – good for them! And for the planet! Still, how do they cope with their farts? How do they get away with a stinky spongy dark brown shit EVERY FREAKING DAY?

You know, just wondering.